To you, little one

Dearest E,

There’s so much I wish I could tell you. I wish there was a way to put into words how magical your story is and how deeply blessed I was to be a part of it. You are a miracle.

It was an honour being your first babysitter. From the moment that you were passed to me, a bright silver flash on a black and white screen, I knew you were here to stay. From the moment my appetite disappeared just a few days later, I knew you were a girl. From the moment you locked eyes with your parents, I knew you were home.  I couldn’t be more proud to have been a player in your amazing story, sweet girl.

Our time together was easy. You took nothing from my life whatsoever, but rather made it more beautiful. Sometimes people tell me that I am wonderful for carrying you, but sometimes?  Sometimes, as lame as it sounds, it was the idea of you that carried me. My hopes for you and your family, the pure beauty of every step of this journey… Dreaming of the moment you made your mom and dad parents was like a salve for my very broken heart. You see, I’d lost someone special to me about a year before you and I became a pair and this was my way of honouring her. She was made of pure love, kind and generous and she desperately wanted to have babies.  She is the reason I was able to help your amazing mom and dad.  I hope that you will remember to be strong and loving and kind like she was.

While we were together, you loved tzatziki, popcorn, potatoes, CANDY, and apples more than anything. You loved listening to music almost as much as you loved the sounds of your parents’ voices on the belly headphones they bought you. Truth be told, you had big reactions to both, but you seemed to go nuts for your dad – rolling towards his voice and kicking hard.  I called you Squiggle because you were SO active!  You and I were buddies and you never forgot to remind me when it was 1030pm or 630 am with a bouncy, bladder kickin’ dance party!  I’d like to apologize now for my horrific  off-key singing in the car, where we spent a lot of time… Having a baby means lots of appointments and driving!  As you grew, so did I of course, but it was never an inconvenience. Watching my belly get bigger and rounder was one of the simple joys of carrying you. Knowing you were growing big (and strong!) was a pleasure and a gift.  You were merciful and I had very few pregnancy symptoms/complaints. I was able to do everything I usually would until the very end, even though it was sometimes exhausting keeping up. A mother always (ALWAYS) worries about her babies and I’m grateful that the bean and the duck didn’t lose any of my time or affection as you grew. Thank you for that.

E, no matter the distance between us and the passing of time, please remember that I am always here as your friend and ALWAYS ready to talk to you – and to remind you just how special you truly are.  You ARE special.  You were so fiercely loved and wanted right from the start. They had some very high highs, and some very low lows over the years but your parents would have moved heaven and earth just to meet you. You are blessed to have them –  they adore you more than you will ever understand…. Even though sometimes you may feel otherwise. I know that being a kid is tough, especially when your parents just don’t get it, but try to remember that it’s all because they love you and want you to be safe, happy, and healthy.

My hopes for you are simple: I want you to live a good life. I’m not talking about getting a great job, making lots of money and buying a big house. I’m talking about strength of character, about being happy. I hope you’ll be brave, that you’ll be willing to try new things. I hope that you’ll be strong like your parents. I hope you’ll travel as much as you can. Understanding that for all its sorrows and pain, that the world is truly a beautiful place will change your life. I hope that you’ll remember to live with kindness and compassion, with the knowledge that people are inherently good. I hope you’ll seek the wisdom of your mom and dad and follow at least some of their advice. I hope you’ll be bold and chase whatever dreams you have. Above all, I hope that you’ll find the joy in your everyday. Remember to dream big and to never stop imagining the “what ifs” in this life. You’re destined for greatness!

You will always have your own place in my heart and on my mind.  I will hold on to the memories of watching from the front row as you made your parents’ dreams come true (and as your dad struggled to figure out your first diaper change!). I will never forget the moment your mom held you for the first time, tears of joy streaming down her face.  Watching you lock eyes with your dad for the first time, his still misty from his own tears, yours dark, ancient and wise.  Seeing you greeted by your grandparents and welcomed into your new family. Our first snuggle, the day after you were born. Leaving you there with your mom and dad while I went home to be with my babies.  Visiting you at your home and watching the new normal in the first few days.  Wondering who you’re going to be. These moments will always bring me to tears. I am full of gratitude for being given the tremendous opportunity to know you.

Thank you, E, for choosing me, for sticking with me. Thank you for filling my heart with hope and for reminding me what a gift my babies are and how precious life is. Thank you for simply being the wonder that you are. Welcome to the world, little one. It’s been waiting just for you.

With so much love,

Your forever friend

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